The scene:

7:15am, still dark, moon out, stars twinkling, Orion visible in the morning sky.
Truck is in reverse, I look over and Breanna (a.k.a Miss Crazy) is trying to bend the laws of physics and see the sky out of her window with the window still rolled up.

“You can still see the stars this morning.”
(She acts irritated that I interrupted her star viewing with (of all things) WORDS)
“Science class ruined stars for me”

“How so?”

I dont recall her explanation but somehow finding out about gases, and the fact that we can see the light from stars long dead… having that KNOWLEDGE irritates her. She mentioned something about the stars in her head, and I told her that the stars in her head could all be alive and made up of bubble gum if she wanted them to be. She explained how that would interfere with her liking things to be logical. My response:

“Being angry at Science for explaining the stars to you is not logical”

Remainder of trip to school….silent.

Breanna and I have had this conversation or versions of it more than once while driving somewhere:

“I want to get my belly button removed”
“Wwwwwhyyyy?”
“It served it’s purpose, I don’t need it anymore.”
“It still has a purpose. Are you trying to be Kyle XY?”
She blathered on about after being born the belly button serves no purpose.
“It’s new purpose it to collect lint.”
More blathering
“Okay, I’ll make a deal with you. I will pay to have your belly button removed as soon as I have saved up the money to have my wedding venue built.”
“SWEET!”

This conversation reminds me of when she was but a wee child. I remember when she would accompany me to the store and would say “Mommy can I have that?” and point to whatever her object of desire was at that moment. I would say “Yes, honey, someday.” and strangely enough that always made her happy. (the item would usually end up being a birthday or Christmas present) Funny how sometimes just giving them hope is really all that a child needs.

I love my time in the morning when it is just Breanna and I in the car driving her to school. The conversations should be recorded and maybe even YouTube’d.

Most of these conversations are utter silliness and are done while we are both laughing hysterically. It does not take much to set us off into hysterical laughter, but it is better than a cup of coffee for waking me up.

Last Thursday morning was one of those days. She headed to the car with a project board, and it is one of those that folds in three and so I ask to see it…and she denies me.

She DENIES me!

So I grab the back of her hoody and we battle on the way to the car.
She unlocks it, but I have the key fob…which means I have the power.
So I lock the doors.
She pretends to show me peeks of it, and finally she gives in.
Once we start driving, this is what follows that:

(Breanna quotes are in RED while mine are in GREEN)

“Why didn’t you want to show me?”
Which she blathers on about her artistic abilities and not liking to show her work to people, which I explain that I am not “people” and then the fun begins with her laughing and shouting:
“Help! Help! Rape!”
I thought I heard, and so I questioned “Help! Help! Hooray!?”
“No RAPE!”
” Help Help RAPE!”
” I said NO.”
” No means NO “
“RAPE! “
“How would ‘Help! Help! Hooray!’ get anyone’s attention?”
More silliness followed but it then led into:

“So, are you going to buy me coffee?”
I ponder and state “I have 4 cents in my checking account” while waving 4 fingers in her face.
“So, are you going to buy me coffee?”
“4 cents. (more finger waving) Which means I am broke. That is so little that they could not make it into one coin; they have to have 4 separate coins so you can see it.”
Then she stated something ‘off’ about a dime being smaller than 4 cents ….

“Hey remember that video I showed you of that weird group Lordi?”
“Yeah”
“Lordi is coming to Ozzfest!”
“We’re going to Ozzfest?!?!” (proof teenagers only hear what they want to hear)
“Nooooo, Lordi is going to BE there.”
“Hey who is that band that you used to listen to that wore the masks?”
“Dir En Gray?”
“No”
“Insane Clown Posse?”
“Maybe, I don’t know”
(Lots of discussion about her thinking it is one of those two and me doubting it)
She finally states “Slipknot!”
“YES! That’s it! Lordi looks like Slipknot mixed with Star Trek; one even reminds me of the Borg!”

Out of nowhere…literally, there had been a moment of silence and then she shouted:
[NOTE: THIS CONVERSATION HAS EDITED FOR CONTENT]
“Gummy Bear [EDITED]!”
“[EDITED]”
“[EDITED]”
“[EDITED]”
“[EDITED]”
” A gummy bear [EDITED]?”
“Yeah!”
Without any enthusiasm I could only respond with “Wow. It’s [EDITED] honey.”
Because of a lack of proper response coming to mind; though I find the thought of her confusing it with [EDITED] very amusing, I realized I needed to change the subject. I then led into the question about colors and flavors of gummy bears and how she and I both like the clear ones that taste like pineapple….

She switches gears and goes into her rendition of Carlos Mencia’s skit about Easter that goes something like: “Hide the eggs! And if anyone asks, eggs come from rabbits!”

We arrive at school, she gets out. I ask about her school ID, shout words of love while she unloads her school project and head to work with my head spinning.

Here are some links to help you “understand” our conversation (but really, you don’t HAVE to click on them. Consider yourself warned):

The Lordi Video
Dir En Gray
Insane Clown Posse
Slipknot
Ozzfest
Star Trek
The Borg
Gummy Bears
Carlos Mencia…Hide the Eggs! (this one is funny)

That was last Thursday. last Friday we bickered about whether or not I shake my leg when I am angry. I say no, she says yes. I say she is projecting her own attributes onto me.

So, just an ordinary morning with Breanna. How was your drive to work?