Surrender….Not just a Cheap Trick song.

So, this is a big share for me. I have alluded a few times about a difficult relationship and my failed attempts at reconcilliation. Today I had a big DING! go off in my head. (again?) I had a few little dings pinging around here and there about it but today the big DING! hit me.

Dang! I AM a human being!

You see, my first mistake has been the fact that I believed that the descriptive word “difficult” or “strained” or “bad” that I put in front of the word “relationship” was a SHARED belief between me and the other party.

My second mistake…maybe there is no heirarchy or order of mistakes…my OTHER mistake was my timing in my efforts to “repair” or “reconcile” this relationship. Just because I thought the timing seemed appropriate does not mean that it WAS APPROPRIATE for that other person. Looking back at all this, that person has every reason to think, say, believe that I am a stark raving LUNATIC. That person did not know that I had been having “nudges” I believed were urging me to move toward “fixing” the relationship. For all I know, that person was able to put the past in the past and I am digging up corpses. To that person I look like an insane mechanic that is changing the oil on a car that just had it’s oil changed and in the process replaces oil with transmission fluid and therefore creates a NEW (and/or worse) problem.

My big DING! though…this is what hit me…maybe all this time, these “nudges” I was feeling were more about NOT taking action. These nudges were more about me realizing that this is beyond MY control and that I should turn it over to GOD and pray….”Search me O God”…SURRENDER. This is bigger than me. I do not have the power to change anything or anyone other than ME.

Dang it.

(Trite cliche: Hindsight is 20/20.) Sometimes in my efforts to “be (or do) better” I need to slow down and examine the possible outcomes. (Glib response: Haste makes waste)

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” ~ Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV)

“Investigate my life, O God,

find out everything about me;

Cross-examine and test me,

get a clear picture of what I’m about;

See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong-

then guide me on the road to eternal life.”

~ Psalm 139:23-24 (MSG)

Wasted Time OR Planning Ahead For Next Year

So I took a vacation and realized that I wasted a week. No, actually 10 days. No, a week. Excuse the confusion but let me explain. I wanted to take a vacation because I have not had one in 15 months. I had no intention of going anywhere, I just wanted to do two things:
1) Get my Christmas shopping done before the chaos begins and
2) have some ME time.

Well I accomplished the first goal pretty much by the end of day three. When it came down to “ME time” I really was not sure what to do with it. So, this is what I can say I accomplished: I finished crocheting a blanket that I started LAST winter and this evening I began teaching Paige how to crochet (to the best of my abilities –which are limited because I can only do things that are square or rectangular.)

I thought I would spend my days reading or exercising or doing things around the house to get caught up with chores. None of those things appealed to me. I was too darn tired.

My first problem was taking a vacation while everyone else did not. This means I was awakened by Dave’s 4:14 a.m. alarm for work. Then again at 6 a.m. to get the kids up and get them ready and take them to school. Only to return home to decide, do I want to try to get more sleep? I did not. So I puttered around and ran a few errands and did some studying but really nothing worthwhile, well the studying was worthwhile but that should not count when you are supposed to be on vacation. I pretty much spent my days waiting for 2:00 p.m. to roll around so I could go about my normal routine of picking up the kids from school and becoming Mom.

I discovered that I would love to start scrap booking and realized that I did not have the spare money to purchase all of the supplies that I would need to do it properly (yes, I am THAT anal). I discovered that I would love to start making jewelry and had the same problem that I had with scrap booking. I discovered that I would love to hang out with my friends during the day – but guess what? They all work!

What surprised me most, I did NOT want to read. I normally LOVE reading. I didn’t want to do it. Another surprise, I wish I would have gone away somewhere by myself. I wish I would have planned better instead of waiting until my body and brain said “Hey, dude, we need a break.” I realized last night on the way home from church, as I was listening to Bon Jovi on the radio that it has been 16 years since I have seen the ocean. I took it for granted growing up having it so close for so many years. I did not realize until last night that I missed it. I know, I know – there is always Lake Michigan, but those of us who have seen the ocean we know it is not the same. Nothing compares to realizing how small you truly are when you stand at the edge of the shore and know that there is an entirely different world under those waters. Sitting on the sand, with your toes in the water at sunset and letting the sound of the waves hypnotize you…

I guess I will know what to do next year. Scrap booking and jewelry making on the Jersey shore with a friend I have not seen in 13 years. I can start saving for that! Hey, I accomplished something! I came up with a plan for NEXT year. I feel better now!