I have had a couple of conversations over the past couple of weeks one was good and one was…well it was how I expected it. (I also had conversations about the conversations…quite the snowball effect.)

My good conversation was not a planned conversation. I did not go to work yesterday because the winter weather made it impossible to open my car doors. So, I called my dad to see how he was doing and one question led to a conversation that lasted 185 minutes and 25 seconds according to the counter on my phone. We talked about so many different things but key things like his health, mom’s health and job, possibly looking at moving out of their house, exercise, kids, parenting, ancestry. It was a good way to spend my morning. I love my Pops!

My other conversation:

I hesitate to blog about it. Still trying to find the words. I did not go about this conversation well. I called to offer to meet with this person and when I received voicemail I did not leave a message. So they called back (caller ID) at a time when I could not talk and was very curious about what I wanted and asked me to please follow up as soon as I could. Well, when I was able to talk I was not really READY. In reviewing it with Kathy she confirmed what I feared. It came out as a backhanded apology.

You see, over the past few years I have grown. I have changed and it was not that I was forcing the change, it was something God was doing. One thing that has continued to weigh heavy on my heart was this one particularly difficult relationship. One in which I held a great deal of resentment, hostility, animosity, sadness and regret about. The kicker…this person did not know I felt these things and the feelings have grown over the years and worsened. However, it was not this person’s fault. I have come to realize that I control how people treat me. I control how I feel about people. If I walk on eggshells around someone it is MY fault…not theirs. I may not agree with, or condone the things they do but it is not my job to judge them. If I see someone who I believe is miserable it is not my job to say “Hey, you are miserable.” If this person believed that they were miserable they would seek help. A wise person once told me “No one WANTS to be miserable. If they could change they would.” It is not for me to determine. Not only was I judging this person but I spoke poorly of this person in the past and I regret that. So in my attempt to apologize to this person, I also unloaded on this person the things that had been bothering me. This should have been two different conversations. Maybe. Maybe it should not have been a conversation at all and just a change in my behavior. In the end I got what I deserved…
Hung up on.

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