Dear Nathalie,

My dreams are coming true! You are speaking more!! Mummy has taught you the difference between hot and cold and you can say the words and show that you know the difference.

We have had the opportunity to be in your presence several times… Easter was a thing. and you still had no clue what the hubbub was about but you did hunt for some eggs. This is a unique year in that Easter fell on April 1st…a.k.a April Fools day. In my family, there was talk about hiding empty eggs. Or not hiding eggs at all and sending the children out to hunt for eggs anyway. I’m pretty certain it was Uncle Ray that voiced these ideas.

It is hard to gather all of my recollections this month…I’m not sure why; I know I am tired right now and I just want to get this letter to you complete because Aunt Pixie is DYING to see the videos.

I can’t blame her. You are just too stinking cute. So much so that I needed to capture the cuteness on video rather than just photo. To make up for the lack of photos last month, I believe I have overcompensated this month. It has been hard to choose what to post here. I will start with the stills.

I am going to start with some photos that your Father shared with me:

Look at all the bubbles! Your Mummy loved baths when she was a tot as well.

Speaking of Mummy…She shared this photo of you LOVING THE CAT HARD…so much that we can barely see her in the photo!

Poor Dash!

Here is one that appears to have captured the moment when you were patting the cushion next to you wanting Mummy to come and sit. You do this a lot and even if the space next to you is just a sliver wide we try to comply. Yes, it’s awkward and uncomfortable but if a toddler pats a cushion inviting you to sit…you sit.

In this one, you can barely see you, but Daddy snuck this photo of Papa and me attempting to soothe you to sleep. Back when your Mummy was a wee tot, she loved for me to rub her forehead and face and it would put her to sleep…I was trying that but it was not working. Then I realized that ever since you were very tiny you pulled on your ears when you are tired…so, I started rubbing your ear and the moment I did that… EYES CLAMPED SHUT! It was a MIRACLE!

Now let’s get a bit of video evidence of your cuteness.  This first one, you were doing EVERYTHING possible to NOT sleep.  Papa had taken you outside, more than once, trying to wear you out so that you would drift off easily…but NO…you were not having any of it.  This is a video that makes it look like you are fighting with your coat…the reality is that this is you physically fighting the need for sleep and your coat was the available object. In the end, Papa picks you up and walks you around the house until you fall asleep.

And this is the video where I requested a tissue…

And this is the one where you were carrying Whimsy around the house in a bag…by “carrying” I mean DRAGGING. (this is also a great example of the voice Papa uses when he speaks to Whimsy…and to you.)

This might be my favorite.  You discovered (meaning I showed you) the sprayer attachment on the kitchen sink.  You said “HI” and “Here you go” and “Papa” and “Thank you” and “Bye” and you DRANK FROM A CUP WITH NO LID!  I have much more video of this but this is short and sweet. Also, your hair is out of control…all of the time!

It was terribly difficult to pry you away from the sink and the running water.  But once we did…your clothes were wet so we put you in some jammies and around that time is when night fell and suddenly you started showing signs of fear.  We think it was shadows and darkness.  On more than one occasion something caused you to run lickity-split and full force into Papa’s arms.  Once Mummy and Daddy came to pick you up, Mummy gave you a lesson in Shadows 101.  I don’t think you really comprehended it, but she gave a good effort and with consistency, you may learn over time.

Ok, I think that covers all things YOU for the month.  Until next time NattyBug.

Love you bunches!

GranDawn

In a world filled with self-help books and bullet planners and TED talks and life-planning workshops, one might feel a sense of pressure to set goals in every area of their life.  School, Career, Marriage, Physical Health…you feel me?  I’m feeling a bit annoyed by the pressure.  (obviously, this is a “Just Venting” post right?)

So, I am an avid audiobook listener.  It’s what I do while driving alone, or cleaning the kitchen or other mindless tasks so that I can “read” ALL OF THE BOOKS that I want to read while still GETTING THE STUFF DONE.

I am currently listening to Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis.  First, I love this book, and I am not done with it yet…almost, but not entirely. Rachel is REAL Y’all.  Read her stuff.  Anyway, at one point she talks about setting GOALS, and it was in that moment that I realized:  I am thrilled with my career.  I could live the rest of my life exactly where I am and love it; I hope to.  God willing.  This place that I have been called to is my sweet spot.

So, that being said, I want to say that I DON’T HAVE A CAREER GOAL. I never really did. I know I wanted to be a veterinarian when I was little.  As a tween, I envisioned a future where I drove a semi truck (BJ and the Bear was a huge influence…I hearted Greg Evigan back then), specifically a big red semi truck!  I also wanted to look like Judy Landers while driving said red semi truck.

I never said my childhood goals were realistic.

Beyond that… as I grew older my sole intent was to move out of my parents home and be an independent woman…however I could make it happen. I did dream of being a 9-1-1 dispatcher…briefly… until I did not get the job in my early 20s.  That was the first job I had ever applied for and NOT GOTTEN.  I know… UNFATHOMABLE.

I have had MANY jobs.  I believe there is a post somewhere on this blog that lists them all.  Wait…that’s not my point.  I did not then and do not now have a career goal.  I left jobs when it was right for me to leave them and just kept following the path until God used some strange ways to bring me to where I am now. I have had additional jobs while my role at Granger Community Church was part-time; I even considered leaving it when an invitation to become a 9-1-1 dispatcher was extended to me because I needed to think about <GASP> future retirement plans. Yes, it was a life-affirming moment when I was selected to begin a job as a dispatcher…They like me!  They really like me!  Long story short, God called me to stay in this role, but now it is a full-time position. Indeed the dream I did not know I had.

So, when I hear a guru tell me to WRITE MY GOALS DOWN, or even suggest that I MUST HAVE A CAREER GOAL, I want to challenge the idea.  I am where I want to be.  I’m not complacent or giving up or lazy.  I am HERE!  What I will say is that I am always striving to add to my blessing…knowledge.  I have a TON of CEUs for a degree that I don’t have. You heard me…I don’t have a degree!  “But, Dawn…shouldn’t that be your goal?”  and to that, I say “PFFFFFTT”  –  I have no desire to sit through AT LEAST six years of schooling that would include classes that are NOT relevant to what I do.  Also, I have no desire to add said courses to my budget because I am NOT acquiring any additional debt.

Time to end vent…  Do I have goals?  Hmmmm.  Perhaps.  I feel that I have HOPES.  I hope to improve my physical health and overcome the barriers that contribute to any problems.  I hope to have a home that can be the hub for both sides of our family as well as incorporate opportunities to entertain friends. I hope to live until I am 120 years old with my mind fully intact and my body holding up well.  If that sounds lazy or complacent…you are entitled to your opinion.

I, however, feel that I am doing my best to listen to the direction of God and live my life according to the steps He reveals to me.  I know He has goals.

 

 

Dear Nathalie,

If it weren’t for the fact that you managed to steal my phone, open the phone app, change the camera settings to Black&White AND snap this selfie…I would not have a photo of you for this past month.  Seriously, no other new photos of you on my phone.  I was surprised to see this one, I had no clue it existed…your mom has not texted me any either. I bet Grandfather has some… Whatevs

I swear you grew taller this month…I cannot prove that but you look taller.

You have revealed that you CAN use language.  You will repeat words if someone tells you to say them.

You DESPERATELY want to play outside more than the adults around you want to take you outside.  Perhaps we are wimps but we don’t like the biting cold and the weather that goes from blizzard to lovely spring day all in one week.  Some consistency would be nice INDIANA WEATHER!!! DO YOU HEAR US WEATHER???  DO YA?

Not much has really happened in your development from my perspective.  Really hoping you catch on to using utensils when you eat.  #GOALS

Nathalie adjacent happenings:  Mummy finally made it “Facebook official” that Daddy proposed to her LAST month.  The delay was getting the ring sized, letting her nails grow, getting a manicure…all the necessary things for a proper engagement ring photo, right?

Pssst…that (potentially) means you have flower girl duties in your future.  Not until next summerish.  That gives you time to grow out your hair, and lose some weight so that you will look good in photos…oh wait, that’s a note to self.  You’re perfect, ignore me.

I am going to admit this:  Without photos to look at, I am having a hard time remembering this past month in regards to YOU.  I recall what I did…but who wants to see my photos from seeing P!NK in concert, right?  (but for those who do….)

 

Poor photo quality aside…GREAT concert.  Oops, rabbit trail.

I wish I had more to share with you this month Nathalie, but I just don’t.  I will try to do better next time…or at least make a point of grabbing Grandfather’s phone before I write my post.

I love you, I can’t wait until you tire me with all of your babbling and wow me with your use of a fork and spoon.

Peace out Natty Bug!

Love, GranDawn

Dear Nathalie,

First of all, let’s address the fact that this letter is ON TIME!!!  Yay me!  Now, on to you.  Let’s begin with some general photos of you in all your adorable glory – let it be known that the jammies on the left are from your Grandmother Christine and the jammies on the right (yes, you are wearing a hat and coat with them) are from GranDawn  (both were Christmas presents).  Your grandmothers have good taste in jammies.

 

I have actually spent quite a bit of time with you this month.  Perhaps even more than Grandfather now that he has not been able to see you on Fridays due to his new working schedule. Sad for Papa, but this might give me just the edge I need to begin rising in the ranks of your favorite person hierarchy… muuuuaaahhhahahahahahahah!

On one occasion I had you to myself an entire day.  This is where I learned that you may actually prefer NON-animated television.  You were at my house and the tv was on and we were playing on the floor… Well, I was sitting on the floor and your toys were all around me and you were playing with them and occasionally would babble nonsense words at me or come near me, not so much ENGAGE with me while playing… anyway, the tv was on and since you weren’t watching it – I thought I would put on something that would not cause me to have Barney or Teletubby flashbacks.  I put on a movie called Man On a Ledge… lots of people moving around and SIRENS constantly sounding in the background of this movie.  While you were playing you started replicating the sound.  WEEE OHHHH  WEEEE OHHHHHH WEEEEEE OHHHH – you were cracking yourself up.  Eventually, you came and snuggled me and took over my comfy chair and just sat for a good FIVE minutes watching this movie.  I do have a photo of that moment, but you look so “derpy” (as the millennials would say) that I thought I would save you from the public humiliation of posting it.  So, here are some cuter photos from that day:

 

 

Grandfather and I also had the opportunity to keep you while Mummy and Daddy were working on a Saturday…and captured your cuteness then as well:

 

Then you participated in cousin Hope’s baby shower…you were not really very social except with other kids.  Eventually, I followed you around the building where the shower was being held… you insisted upon exploring every room with an open door, and there were a lot of open doors.  Then, we heard the cry of another tiny person…just a little younger than you.  It was adorable to see you shyly approach her (she may be a baby but she was a stranger to you) and then pat her on the back – just three little pats while looking at her with your head cocked sideways…then off you went to run around and climb steps and chase balls with cousin Jordan.  I loved watching you walk/run around…you tend to throw your arms and shoulders back behind you when you do this…at least on this occasion… it was a cute little posture that I will never find the words to describe…so, here is a video:

Finally, Daddy had the opportunity to explore a new job opportunity that would give him more family time and he needed someone to watch you STAT…so I moved an appointment and told him BRING ME THE CHILD, and he brought you to visit with me at work.  This little impromptu visit gave GranDawn’s friend Mrs. Julie the opportunity to give you some socks and this ADORABLE OWL COAT that I hope you will keep FOREVER!

It also gave you the opportunity to explore MORE open doors… one of which belonged to Pastor Mark Beeson, and little did we know that he was in the middle of a meeting. For the record…Daddy got the job!  Yay!

So, this month, my Grandmother cup runneth over.  

Love you NattyBug!  (Why is it that this nickname stuck?)

Until next month tiny one…keep being you,

GrandDawn

Dear Nathalie,

This month in review includes Christmas!!

First, the usual report:

You repeated me when I said “Uh-Oh”… and if you are accident prone or spacially unaware of your surroundings like the women in this branch of the family are prone to being, you might want to perfect your delivery on that phrase.

Grandfather has been trying to get you to say “Papa” for some time now… and it paid off. You said “Papa” for him on December 16th. (Which is also the day you said “Uh-Oh.” Coincidence? I think not.

Mommy has been teaching you how NOT to HIT people. Especially her.

Oh, I bought blocks and magnetic numbers and letters to have at our house for you. With blocks, you like to try to stack them, but you can tell you have been building with Leggo because you press down on the blocks when you stack them. Ultimately, you like to destroy anything that is constructed out of these blocks. That must be a thing you got from your father; your Mummy just wanted to build things…especially mazes for small creatures. As for the magnets, you like to swipe them down to the bottom of, and then off of, the door and put them in a container – pretty much any vessel will do.

Still no interest in having me read a book to you… Beginning to question whether or not you are my grandchild at this point.

I discovered this THING on Netflix: Little Baby Bum and they are sing-along videos to nursery rhymes. You seem to like most of them. However, they have more verses and versions of Wheels on the Bus than I care to listen. Seriously, if they still exist when you read this, go check it out. You can tell they were stretching for material. There are TWELVE parts to their version of the song! Why? Who needs 20+ minutes of Wheels on the Bus?!?!

Ok, I know you want to talk about Christmas… First, it began with some disappointment, the postal service was overextended, and the gifts from the people who love you in Ohio have yet to arrive.

You really enjoyed the video call from Aunt Pixie, and her gift, a comfy rocking chair, was a big hit for you.

The Giles brunch was where you and Mummy wore matching outfits and Grandmother enjoyed Mimosas because Papa was driving.

The Lovitt lunch is where you received a mountain of gifts from every adult there. So. Many. Things!!! It is also where Daddy hit cousin Jordan in the face with snow and made her cry…he should be wary of her for awhile, she’s feisty.

Then Mummy and I went to see Pitch Perfect 3 with Kimmee and Lauren while you hung out with Daddy.

I fell (it was an icy parking lot) into the Envoy after exiting the theater…spilled a large drink all over Mummy and the interior of Papa’s vehicle and while driving Mummy home she and I laughed so much I was wheezing and crying. Good times.

Until next time…next year…enjoy all the gifts!

Love,

GranDawn

Dear Nathalie,

I DON’T EVEN know where to start!

You are quite the tiny person now… a toddler if you will.

You attended the Giles family reunion and ran all over the park in your socks because…well…when you can’t walk who needs shoes and shoes cost money and you did not mind and you were not injured.  You did leave cute little baby toddler footprints on the pavement after you walked through a water puddle.  

You also attended some Pokemon Go Gym Raids… the highlight for you: being allowed to play with my Pokemon Go+. You were eventually able to capture your VERY FIRST POKEMON!!  It was a Natu.  Appropriate I think.  Your second capture was Oddish.  (Pokemon humor…but true)

After several outings where shoes might have been helpful, Mummy decided to get you some pretty cute kicks.  Ice blue, canvas mary janes with a bow.  Super cute and apparently you like them enough to take them to Mummy to have her put them on you.   You even stick your foot up to hasten the process!

The highlight for me this month, aside from having you as my Pokemongering sidekick, has been the day you visited me at work and we walked to the end of the building to visit Miss Katie and you FOUND YOUR WAY BACK TO MY OFFICE without out any guidance… you led Grandfather and I right back to where you started.  We are trying to reign in our claims of having a genius, possible future Mensa member grandchild but GIRL IT IS HARD.  You need to do some stupid things to bring us back to reality.  Oh wait, you still try to put sticks in your mouth…nevermind.  AND you still like playing with the cat toys. Reality found.

It has been a busy summer and I have not had enough quality time with you since my last letter.  But you are still as cute as ever and we are looking forward to each moment we have you in our presence.

We love you NattyGirl!

Keep Toddling!

Love, GranDawn

P.S.  I caught myself referring to MYSELF as Granny the last time you were with me. PLEASE don’t call me Granny.  I’ll accept Grammy (that’s like an award, right?). Granny is forbidden.

Dear Nathalie,

My apologies for being tardy with this letter.  I’ve been a bit ill, and once you truly get to know me, you will learn that I go big when I get sick…no measly sniffles for me…nope.  Enough about me, this is all about you.

First, I was wrong when I posted last month that you might be getting a kitty.  My apologies…but not really, you have TWO KITTIES.  Your new fur sisters are Dash and Lucy and they are quite the cuties.  Hopefully, you will not suffer the scratches that your mother did as a child by insisting on love from the kitties…no matter what we said or did, she did not care, she did not stop…specifically with Ash, may she Rest In Peace.

You are crawling!! For the most part.  Your preference is to grab the carpet and pull yourself forward…it sort of reminds me of Spiderman.  You have also managed to acquire your very first black eye  (something about a Gatorade bottle and a tumble off a bed)…and I say FIRST because of a few reasons…you come from a line of clumsy and/or daring people and odds are you will have another or something like it somewhere along the way in your lifetime… Seriously, your mom managed to get her nose broken twice within a 6 month period.  Don’t fight it…tuck and roll.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not encouraging you to become a scrapper like Great-Grandma Sharon, I am just warning you that, in this family, shit happens and it is better to expect it than to fight it.  Protective gear is suggested.  I figure, now that you are mobile you deserve this warning – to be honest, you were much safer when you were stationary….ahhh, the good ole days.

[UPDATE:  Shortly after publishing this post, I received this message from your Mummy: “So I saw your GranDawn post and she does actually fully crawl now. LOL No belly on floor or anything! Super fast baby LOL.”]

Another new and exciting development: You have tried a green food!  Mama – or as you have said “Mum Mum Mummy,” gave you green beans!!  This is a bigger accomplishment for her than you, but I celebrate it either way.

You officially have a tooth poking through on the bottom!  I asked your mother for a photo but she stated that it is impossible to get a picture of you with an open mouth and not have you stick out your tongue.  Thanks to Aunt Pixie, sticking out your tongue is your JAM these days.  We can count on your Aunt to teach you all the weird things even though she is across the country… I don’t even know what to expect next.

I think that about covers everything…Although you have been pulling yourself up to stand on more than one occasion.  The idea of you walking anytime soon is just…well, can you hold off on that skill for at least 4 months.  Do your parents a solid…slow your roll.

Put that tongue back in your mouth!

We love you bunches,

GranDawn

 

 

“When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses not zebras”  ~ Dr. Theodore Woodward

However, don’t forget…that zebras do exist.  I am a zebra.

I never wanted my blog to be another one of those dedicated to bringing awareness to something.  I also did not intend for it to be solely about me writing letters to my grandchild either…I just wanted a space to get things out of my head.  A place where I could share the things that I want my friends and family (F&F) to know and understand, but really don’t want to talk about.

This is my space.

Today, I am struggling again.  I am sitting in a hotel in Carlsbad, California and I am miserable. Not because the weather is bad or because I am with bad company and not even because I am here for work.  I am miserable because I am not able to do all that I want to do.  I have been forced to miss out on part of the agenda for this trip.

I am limited in my physical activity.  Most of my F&F know about my Ehlers-Danlos diagnosis but have little if any understanding of what that means.  HECK, I am still learning.  But here is the readers digest version (for me specifically, not all EDSers).

This condition is hereditary, my mother or father passed it on to me – I am guessing Mom.

It is a connective tissue disorder.  EVERY PART of and ORGAN in our bodies has connective tissue.

I have the Hypermobility type.  It won’t kill me…just cause me pain…always.  I try not to feel sorry for myself, so many others with EDS have it far worse but today I cried for me.

There are conditions that are referred to as “comorbidities” that are common to EDSers

The doctor who diagnosed me with EDS, has also stated that I have Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS),  and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS).

I have TMJ Disorder and Sleep Apnea

It has also caused my airway to be smaller/underdeveloped and contributes to sleep apnea, which I cannot wear a CPAP machine or use an oral appliance to correct because I have a reaction to both of them.  I have had to have allergy testing to figure out why I cannot wear dental devices to align my jaw and learned that my skin is sensitive to pressure due to DERMATOGRAPHISM (basically a histamine response to pressure) and an allergy to Balsam of Peru and Gold (as well as all the other environmental and animal allergies I have always dealt with).

I could keep going, but I am sick of typing about it and explaining my disorder was not the point of my post.  The point is…the frustration.  I hate being limited.  I had to accept years ago that I cannot wear cute shoes with heels.  In the past year or so I was instructed to not use stairs…  Because the worst of my pain stems from my sacroiliac joints being out of whack.  Yesterday…I was at the beach…in CaliFRICKINfornia…and I will be damned if I wasn’t going to get my toes in the sand.

There were stairs, quite a few.

And the days leading up to my trip were not what I call “down” days –  meaning, intentional  time of restoration.  The day of traveling was brutal.  I over did things.

I am paying the price.

 

(For those of you who want to learn more, this article was written by the doctor who gave me the diagnosis:  http://ehlers-danlos.com/2014-annual-conference-files/Heidi%20Collins.pdf)

 

 

I envision myself on a raft that is filled with air and is transparent, but blue.  I float on the ocean, but near enough to the beach that I can hear the waves hit the shore.  I hear gulls crying overhead. I feel the sun on my skin.  I have one foot dangling in the water, sunglasses on, my body is perfectly healthy, I am wearing a bikini.  No one around…just me. My body does not hurt. My mind is not preoccupied. I am at peace. With a song in my head:

“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand…”

I have been seeing this image every day for the past 7 days.  I have been kicking the tires on “mindfulness” because I have been dealing with some anxiety.  I guess that, if I am to be honest, I have been dealing with anxiety for several years.  It started the year before my father died.  The stress of his poor health was getting to me.  The constant wonder of when the next call would come.  The overwhelming sense of responsibility and obligation while working two jobs, being a wife and a parent to two children…it was a bit much.  Not to mention the pain…the physical pains that were always there from an undiagnosed condition…Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, but this post is not about that.

I was put on anxiety medication and after my father died, I assumed the anxiety would dissipate so I stopped taking the medication for almost a year…but I was wrong. The anxiety was still there, I just could not attribute it to anything specific.

My weight has been a constant struggle.  I tried All Of The Things that are available and affordable.  I have enough head knowledge to understand what is and what is not good for me…but I don’t have the control.

The anxiety is still there…here.  And I am an anxiety eater.

I am trapped in a vicious cycle.  It took a while to realize where my anxiety came from…the pain.  The constant thinking about whether or not I can or could or should do something and the repercussions if I try or if I don’t try.  Imagine dropping something on the floor…you would just pick it up, right?  I have to think about how to pick it up.  There may be no pain in the moment from bending or kneeling…but later…later is a different story. Dropping that thing on the floor could haunt me for days.

So I take my medication and I try to do my best to do my best, but anxiety makes me want to DO something, it makes my skin crawl and I can’t PHYSICALLY do the things I want to do to make the skin stop crawling – go for a walk, clean the bathtub, an hour of yoga, take a long drive to nowhere – so I turn to the thing that I can do… I eat.

Now if I could live in a box where the only food available to me was that which was good and healthy and necessary, I would be okay.  I think…I’m pretty sure.  But until recently, there were at least two and sometimes four others in my box and they do not share my struggle.  I also work in a box where people share their edible goodies…there are very few places in the vast building I am in for 8+ hours of my day where temptation isn’t lurking at me around a corner, or down the hall… leering at me…lying to me and telling me that just one bite, piece, nibble won’t hurt.  And I am weak in this matter.  I believe the lie. I give in to the temptation.  By eating…I am DOING something and I feel good…for a moment. Then I feel guilty and ashamed and out of control.  I stuff this feeling, these feelings…because there is nothing I can do with them, there is nothing I CAN DO WITH THEM.  The anxiety comes back.  I try to ignore it.  I long for a cigarette or a glass of wine, both of which would cause me pain in one way or another…creating more anxiety.

I begin looking up prescription weight loss medications but my insurance would not cover the cost and I look up eating disorders and cringe when I read about Binge Eating Disorder and wonder…is that me?  I contemplate calling my doctor…but I know what she will suggest, better eating habits (no kidding), exercise (pain), a dietician (costs more than I can afford), journaling my food (I have and it causes me to CONSTANTLY THINK ABOUT FOOD) … I don’t want to seem help resistant but I am tired of this vicious cycle.  I call my spouse and I cry about it and God love him, he wants to help me fix the problem…but I don’t know how he can.

I simply want to be on that raft, in my perfect body, pain-free, anxiety-free… at peace.

God hear my prayer…